Riding Melbourne's Trails

I use some of Melbourne’s bike trails regularly; the Main Yarra Trail most often for my daily commute. Because the MYT is constantly dogged by controversy it’s easy to forget that not all of Melbourne’s trails are semi-permanently diverted for the purpose of improving road infrastructure. And, in fact, improving road infrastructure sometimes works in our favour – like the construction of the Eastlink bike trail, which was mandated as part of the larger Eastlink freeway project.

Melbourne’s bike trails are actually pretty good, truth be told. And Bicycle Victoria does a decent job advocating further bike specific development. I always knew this… but getting out and using the trails, when there were perfectly good roads available, was never on my to do list.

After reading a post on a cycling forum saying that people have actually moved to Melbourne specifically for our cycling infrastructure I decided that a ride incorporating some of our trails had to go on the list – and the Easter weekend provided me with the perfect opportunity to tick the ride off the list.

This was the planned route:

So I started out along beach road and went along the bay trail, carefully weaving between the mums with prams in Brighton and the cool kids on their custom cruisers in St Kilda. My aim was then to get to the Eastern Freeway and discover the Koonung Trail, which follows the Eastern Freeway. There’s no easy way of getting from St Kilda to Kew, so I just put my head down, stuck to the left and darted across town as best I could – managing a small sojourn on Punt Road, and I lived to tell the tale.

The Koonung Trail was actually really beautiful and surprisingly un-broken. It pretty much goes all the way from Kew to Donvale with only a couple of road crossings. There were times that I could of sworn I was in the Victorian countryside; I knew that to the right of me there was a freeway and to the left of me was housing, but the trail makes you oblivious to all of these urban eyesores as it takes you through manicured parks and wetlands. By the time you hit the beginning of the new Eastlink trail in Donvale I was definitely starting to feel better about all of the tax I’ve paid over the years.

The Eastlink trail, which was the real goal of the day, started with no real pageantry. But by the time you come out of the Mullum Mullum reserve and the trail starts winding under a myriad of overpasses through Ringwood you know you’ve hit the new stuff.

The Eastlink trail is kind of like a new docklands apartment. It’s got all the bling, the shiny new appliances and fittings and the view, but lacks in terms of actual everyday living; once you start using those appliances and fittings you realise they’re a bit crap and they’ll probably need replacing soon. The Eastlink trail has magnificent new bridges and public art, smooth new concrete and fancy automated toilet facilities that speak to you, it even has speed indicators, but the signage constantly confuses and the breaks in the trail seriously impact it’s functionality for everyday cycling commuters.

Despite the fact that you have to stop every five minutes to check you’re on the right trail, and the fact that every time you are brought up to a road there is no indication of where the trail continues – or if it even continues at all, overall the ride is great and I shouldn’t complain. We are lucky to live in a city where they bother to build trails like this for our cycling pleasure – and adorn them with random art installations! I particularly liked this Lennon inspired scrabble dichotomy!

The trail ended abruptly in Dandenong and that was where I left it – it may have continued on somewhere else, but for the lack of signage I will remain none the wiser.

I then made my way back to the safety and familiar bitumen of beach road, and eventually home – the loop being just over 105 km’s in total.

Around Melbourne there are certain rides that are so sacred to the cycling fraternity (Beach road, Kinglake etc.) that you have to do them regularly, but it’s always good to discover new rides, like this one, especially if they’ve cost major taxpayer $’s!

It’s a simple equation: more cyclist’s using trails more often, means that more trails will continue to be built! Hats off to the State Government for making the Eastlink trail happen.

I fell off my bike

The other day I finished work early and with nothing better to do I thought I'd get cultured and visit an exhibition centered on the far too common bike stack.

The exhibition, called 'I Fell Off My Bike', is a series of short animations created by Melbourne artist Isobel Knowles. The videos are shown on a number of screens that have been embedded into large green-dinosaur-egg-looking-contraptions, just outside ACMI at Fed Square.

It's worth a look, and a good way to waste 20 minutes. Personally I think the exhibition would have greatly benefited from a segment on the classic 'can't-get-out-my-clip-pedals-quick-enough-when-stuck-at-lights' bike stack. No matter how many times I witness it - it never fails to raise a chuckle.

The exhibition is free and it runs daily from 6am - 11pm.

Inappropriate Pants

All roadies should watch this comedy sketch from Eddy Perfect - taken from the 2011 Melbourne Comedy Festival Gala. It is hilarious! Although, it's comedy value seems to be questionable according to some devoted roadies. But c'mon if you've lost the ability to laugh at how ridiculous you look in tight multicoloured lycra then there's a problem!

I know I look like some sort of strange human-wasp - trust me, this is extremely apparent as I do the walk of shame through my office every morning - and my work colleagues cop an eye-full of me looking like I'm auditioning for a fluro 80's version of Swan Lake.

One bloke said of the sketch in a web forum "it's soft target bullshit at best" - roadies... soft targets? I don't know about that, I've seen some cyclists, me included, turn into the Hulk after a car inadvertently cuts them off. And have you seen George Hincapie - I wouldn't want to meet that guy in a dark alley.

There are so many funny lines in this, "[car drivers] may as well rape a dolphin", and "we fill coffee shops, dressed like flocks of flabby lorikeets".

Watch it, have a laugh!

Your LBS

The Local Bike Shop can be a strange place for the un-initiated, all of the different bikes, strange clothes, walls plastered with odd accessories and worst of all, strange salespeople that are eagerly hanging onto some remnants from their punk younger selves, and worst of all, everyone is speaking some weird language that could possibly have evolved on a sister planet where the internal combustion engine was never developed and bikes reigned. And, the LBS can be just as anxiety inducing for the cycling regular; people trying to sell you things you know you don't need, mechanics over-charging for jobs you know take five minutes (but you have to get it done 'cause you're stuck without your tools), and of course, there's the problem of resisting the temptation to upgrade, and walking out of the shop with your wallet firmly lodged in the hip pocket.

Roadies are criticized regularly for chasing bargains whether they be online or at a low price chain, rather than staying loyal and supporting their LBS. I don't know about this - I tried to stay loyal to a shop for a while - but there's only so many times you can get ripped off and continue to just calmly cop it on the chin. The last straw was being charged $40 to replace a two dollar spoke, only to find out that the original broken spoke was just re-attached.

After that, I don't feel guilty about searching for bargains online, it's fun actually, I recently scored a Specialized Toupe saddle from the US for $100 less than here in Melbourne! And, in stark contrast to the situation with the spoke, I bought a cycling computer online, after 7 months it stopped working, I sent it back to the online store and within three days they had replaced it with another model that retailed for $40 more! That would just not happen at your LBS.

One day I went to a shop on Kings Way, I won't name them, looking for a hardtail for hire, to thrash at the You Yangs with an Irish friend. The smarmy prick that served us was a a true bike snob, not a snob like the satirical BikeSnobNYC, but a real snob in that he treated everyone like a noob - you and your opinion didn't count unless you worked in a bike shop. I think we actually asked him politely to stop bullshitting us - which made no difference. Unfortunately, the damage was done, and he made a lasting poor impression of Melbourne LBS's on my Irish friend.

Oh - then I had the funny encounter of impulse buying a shiny new fixie at a shop in Geelong. The girl that served me told me that without a shadow of doubt I could fit my Shimano 105 clipless pedals to the cranks. I took her word for it and off I went. Well, as it turned out, the cranks only took the smaller bmx style pedals. Guess I was the fool for not checking myself. Then again - I did flip the bike two weeks later on Gumtree for a small profit, so all's well that ends well.

And as for maintenance, for regular cyclists it would simply be too expensive to go to the shop every time something falls apart - most stuff has gotta be done yourself. I just wish I knew how to re-grease and re-build a hub!

On a recent trip to the States, I noticed an interesting trend in bike shops, especially in California (San Fran and LA). Bike shops there had tapped into another income stream - that being shop-branded casual clothing. Some shops had so much of it, it was like being in Abercrombie and Fitch, I had to fight through the clothing racks to see the bikes. It was cheesey, but some of the t-shirt designs were very cool... and I'm a little ashamed to say that I returned to Melbourne with a decent collection of new t-shirts from shops in the suburbs of New York, LA and San Francisco. Maybe, this is something shops here could tap into? If they can't compete with online prices and people (like me) are giving the workshop a wide berth in favor of doing work themselves - then draw people back to the store with something different. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be too concerned - a plague, of Victorian locust proportions, of new bike shops has sprung up over the last few years in Melbourne - maybe business is pretty good?

Otways Classic

A few posts ago I wrote about the crappy jerseys you get when doing a charity/fun ride. Well, I'm happy to report that I just got another, and it's just as crappy as the others! Last Saturday I did the 145km 2XU Great Ocean and Otway Classic. A great ride, through some of Victoria's most spectacular scenery, and I did actually have high hopes for the jersey, it was made by 2XU afterall.

You know 2XU, they make the tights that overpaid footy players are all too often photographed in, despite this, and the fact that their clothes are mostly unaffordable, they do make some quality stuff. But sadly they took the budget option on the compulsory event jerseys and now I'm stuck with another poor quality top - that is kind of ugly. Alright, I'm over it, just had to get that out.

So, the ride. It was great actually. I felt terrible for the first 60 to 70 km's, as we headed toward the Otways National Park and the 'Dean's Marsh' climb. Despite feeling pretty average, I stuck with a lead group and then as we hit the climb my legs woke up and I was off. The climb through the National Park was beautiful, well I think it was anyway, I only stole a few quick glances to the left and right as most of the time my eyes were firmly fixed on my wheel and the road ahead of me.

Half way up we encountered two actors dressed as the iconic El Diablo, a character made famous by the German Didi Senft who, since 1993, has been wearing his red devil costume at the Tour de France and other such classics. This guy is a bit of a legend, according to Wikipedia (is there any better source of factual and trustworthy information - I think not!) he is also an inventor who has created over 100 bicycles. I know cycling can really inspire passion, but this guy takes it to a whole new level!

Descending into Lorne was a real thrill, living in Melbourne I don't get to ride too many hills, or mountains for that matter, so I relish in the opportunity to garner speeds of 75kph for longer than 30secs. Although fun, I realised I pretty much suck at descending - something to work on for sure.

And what can I say about the ride along the Great Ocean Road back to Torquay? Well, not much really. I'm sure the scenery was pretty good but I had entered some sort of 'zone' where I was oblivious to everything except my wheel and the km's dropping away. And then all of a sudden, I was rolling across the finish line and it was over. I clocked up a time of 4:14, which I was pretty happy with! I thought anything around 5hrs would be decent, so this was a surprise.

Definitely gave a confidence boost and stoked my fires to try my luck at some club races during the winter road season.

You'll never be as cool as...

Bike Messengers. The superheroes of the cycling world. All cyclists try to have their own style and I guess in our own eyes we are pretty cool - but none of us compare to messengers. Not even close, Those guys take it to a whole new level. Especially if they work in an iconic uber-city like London, San Francisco, Berlin, Paris or the centre of the world, in the bike messenger universe, New York.

Don't get it? Don't agree? Just watch this short on 'Squid', the 'Poo-Ma' sponsored bike messenger, the best damn bike messenger in NYC.



He's got it all, the super cool fixie, the fashionably unkempt wardrobe, the perfectly individual nickname, the equally cool and like-minded buddies, the Champion "nothing soft comes out of the Bronx" accent, and best of all - the carefree attitude that gives the big finger to society and says "I don't care that I'm earning just above minimum wage, I ride a bike all day, and I get paid for it, so f*** you!" See, I told you, bike messengers, like Squid, are cool, and you'll never be as cool as Squid. Period.

Cyclists are a fragmented bunch, we identify with one discipline in particular and tend to stick with our own, and sometimes have a rivalry with other sub-groups. Roadies clash with Mountain Bikers, Mountain Bikers clash with Contraption Captains, and Contraption Captains clash with Everyone. But for some reason we all love messengers, It's like they have political immunity, and everyone likes them. They're like the Dutch, everyone loves them, and wants to be their friend - and in doing so, maybe briefly get exposed to the exclusive bike messenger sub-culture.

Not only do we want to be their friend, we want to wear what they wear, carry what they carry, and ride what they ride. We wear our stupid little cycling caps because messengers made them cool, we carry overpriced Crumpler satchels because messengers made them cool and, you guessed it, we ride fixies because messengers made them cool. Hell, fixies are now so cool that the uber-cool hipster sub-culture one day had a meeting and unanimously voted to make the fixie bike their trademark.

So... why? Why have they been elevated to this god like status? Why do you command instant street cred if you, at one time or another, did a stint as a messenger. Well, I don't know, I have no answers, but what I can tell you is a few things to make you feel a little better: 1. Those little cycling caps messengers wear everywhere are stupid, they serve only to sap up sweat underneath your helmet and if you wear one to your local bar I assure you most people are staring at you with pity in their eyes 2. Satchels just don't work, if you ride anything more than 5 km's for your daily commute you'll know that a satchel constantly swinging around your shoulder just pisses you off - a compact backpack is the go, and 3. Fixies are completely impractical - yeah they look cool, but no gears and no brakes just doesn't work if you're going any further than the local pub to sink some longnecks with your equally hirsute hipster buddies.

So, we may not be as cool as Squid, but maybe practical can be cool, maybe there are some cool elements in all types of cycling. Well, any element that doesn't include the lycra. Lycra is necessary... but definitely not cool.

I'm supposed to ride where...?

I just wanted to give a shout out to Yarra City Council for this spectacular piece of road development:

So this is Bridge Road, Richmond, one of the major arterials into Melbourne city, and after months of road works a new surface has been laid (which feels great under my disintegrated Vittoria's), but what were the council workers thinking when they painted the new bike lane in? I mean come on, I know most councilors would like cyclists to be invisible - but we're not - we can't actually ride through parked cars. And if you know Richmond you know that Bridge road has parked cars 24/7.

And while I'm having a go - when is the Main Yarra Trail diversion going to end?! This was only meant to be around for a few months, back in August 2010, but it's still there, in March 2011! Citylink, or the State Government or whoever it is that thought widening the South Eastern freeway would be a great congestion solution is going to start receiving bills from me for all the new tubes I've had to buy from punctures from the Burnley underpass (part of the diversion route)!

Apparently this 1 billion dollar South Eastern freeway widening project has not eased conjestion one iota. I shudder to think how many km's of new bike paths we could have got for 1 billion...

Ok, rant over, I'm done.

Cadel Wins Tirreno-Adriatico

After taking the blue jersey on stage five of this Italian Classic, Cadel had a gutsy win at the finish of the uphill penultimate stage, securing an even tighter grasp on the jersey going into the final 10km time trial stage. Cancellara took out the final stage win for the time trial (as he so often does) and Evans held out to take out the overall GC win. This is a massive effort, it's his first Pro Tour stage race win since 2008 and hopefully it silences some of the haters who constantly winge that Cadel just doesn't have the ghoolies.

In 2009 he had an emphatic win at the world champs and I was in Geelong at the 2010 UCI World Champs and the Cadel I saw there definitely was not lacking in the ghoolie department. This was a tough and long course and he came very close to backing up the 2009 title. Check out the 'true grit' on the face as he storms up Highton's Heartbreak Hill!

Perhaps the only thing that you can take away from Cadel is that half of the worlds best cyclists were, at the same time as the Tirreno-Adriatico, competing on the other side of the Mediterranean, at the Paris-Nice! But come on, a win after being back on the tour after the winter break for only two weeks? That's pretty good. Nothing instills patriotism in me like an Aussie doing well on the UCI Pro Tour.

This win is a pretty bold statement leading up to the TDF, and should make Cadel one of the contenders debated by pundits in the lead up. Can't wait to see how it all pans out.

Enough Already!

So I’m about to embark on another organized ride, the 2XU Great Ocean and Otway Ride 2011 (could they make a longer title?); after registering I am told I will receive yet another promotional jersey to wear on the day. Really? Do I have to? I’m just not one of those guys who parades around his worn out and ripped ‘free’ t-shirt that announces to everyone that he did a triathlon once – a very long time ago. These guys are so proud of them too – it’s like a badge of honour.

Personally, I would love it if you could just elect to not take the jersey and have the cost of it deducted from the entry fee. But I hear you saying “hmm, but aren’t they free?”, “No! Wake up”. I’m sure the cost of these things is worked into the inflated entry fees (this one is $140).

I already have too many. And they are all ugly! Take a look at the last one.

I usually avoid wearing pink or orange – and this jersey had them both!

Anyway, I’m really looking forward to the ride. 145kms through some of the most spectacular scenery in Victoria. The Great Ocean Road is something special – and to ride it should be amazing. Trust me, I drove Highway One in California last year, one of the most celebrated drives in the world, and it just didn’t compare!

I’ve got just under three weeks to train – as I head out on Beach Road this weekend maybe I’ll slap on an old ‘round the bay jersey just for the hell of it.

My Story...

Everyone has a talent, some of us are gifted musicians, some of us understand complex engineering principals with ease, and some have obscure and specific talents, like the ability to pick a perfectly ripe avocado - obscure and useless, but a talent nonetheless. Growing up, my talent was colouring in. Scoff if you will but my ability to colour within the lines and wield my trusty Derwent with the perfect amount of pressure so that colours were gloriously even was second to none! Why am I telling you this? Well, early in my life this seemingly useless talent proved to be the calalyst that introduced me to a life long passion - cycling. When I was about eight, the local real estate agents did a pamphlet drop, the pamphlet had an enclosed competition - colour in the picture to the best of your ability and be in the running to win a shiny new bmx bike! The pamphlet had a picture of the bike and I drooled over that beast like a horny teen seeing his first Playboy. There was no doubt about it - that bike was going to be mine. It's a bit of a stretch for my memory but I think the picture was a house, being a real estate agent comp, I suppose that would make sense.

I coloured in that house like a child possessed, like I was channeling one of the greats, Da Vinci or Rembrandt, and a few weeks later I was told that I had won. There was a little presentation ceremony one Saturday morning and I finally got my paws on the  prize - it was like I had won the lottery. That bike was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my short time on this earth. I have no idea of the brand, unlike now, the concept of a fashionable brand was lost my eight year old self. But I do remember it's rubbery grips, it's black tyres, it's chrome handlebars gleaming in the sun; but most of all I remember it's metallic blue paint job, the over-sized tubing of the frame was awesome in it's sky-blue glory. I rode that bike with pride and with energy for a long time. It was my first bike - and it was the beginning of a life-long enthusiasm (my fiance would say obsession) for cycling, in all it's various forms.

I never was and never have been a club cyclist, growing up cycling was never competitive. Getting on my bike was for transportation, it was for fun, and it was thrill seeking - jumping poorly made two-foot plywood ramps in the street. My next bike was a Shogun 12-speed mountain bike, this el-cheapo was a far cry from todays advanced hardtails but it took a beating. I rode that thing like it was a competition level dual-suspension, up and down stairs and through bmx tracks, and it rarely gave me any problems. With this bike I was able to get myself to and from high school and down to the local shops quickly and easily. This was the only independence I had as an adolescent boy - and I loved it! My next bike (I was about sixteen) was a Shogun Ninja, this was my first foray over to the other-side (or should I say lycra-side) of road riding. This experiment didn't last long (I think I sold it about six months later) but getting this bike was a huge deal. I had my heart set on the $800 Ninja and I drooled over it for months until I eventually saved up enough pay checks from delivering the local paper. If this whole process wasn't a priceless lesson in financial management I don't know what was.

Around this time I became mates with a kid at school who introduced me to the emerging world of downhill mountain biking - it didn't take long before I was hooked. I took the proceeds from the sale of the Ninja and pooled that with money I'd made building bikes in the sporting department of the local Kmart. For the grand total of $1200, which was a lot of money to spend on a bike in 1996, I bought myself a Pro-Flex 555. For those of you unfamiliar with Pro-Flex's ground breaking range of mountain bikes in the mid-late 90's, these were special bikes. The suspension never really worked the way you wanted it to; but these bikes did the one thing that any 16 year old kid wanted most - they made you look damn cool. The oversized tubing stood out from a mile away and bright yellow elastomer rear suspension got heads turning. My mate had the next level up, the 857(?), it was resplendent in it's fluro yellow paint job, Steve was the envy of the whole neighbourhood. We rode those bikes like kids possessed and even went to a few races, but after watching some guy remove half his face from face-planting onto a road our enthusiasm somewhat waned. I will never forget that Pro-Flex though. I remember selling it was quite a comical task, I had to push down on the seat-post with all my might to demonstrate to the eventual buyer that the rear "definitely had about 2-3 inches of travel", the rear was as stiff as my current Giant hard-tail and hardly moved a millimeter - but he bought the story and eventually bought the bike. I would pay a lot of money to get that baby back!

Inspired by a family friend to take on the challenge of Melbourne's famous 'Around The Bay in a Day' I scoured the pages of the Trading Post (unfortunately there was no eBay back then) for a suitable road bike. Options were limited and I was in a hurry so I settled for Repco Olympic 12, a top of the line bike - in 1985. Sadly it wasn't 1985, it was 1999 and this bike was had seen better days. The Around The Bay is a fairly challenging ride, 210 kilometers in total, it takes a bit of training and experience to ensure completion before the sun goes down. Not only was my bike a bit of a dinosaur, I was helplessly under-prepared, I had no idea about endurance race fluid and food intake, and I was going it alone - the family friend had ditched me, I don't blame him, being held back by a slow companion on a long ride can be frustrating. So needless to say I was out of my depth. At about the 190 kilometre mark I was completely depleted of energy, I had no money and no food on me, up ahead I saw another struggling rider throw an unwanted orange to the side of the road. Swallowing my pride, I stopped and ate that orange, which gave me the energy I needed to push on. I finished the ride in about eleven hours, the sun had gone down and I was exhausted. I was proud of the achievement, but unfortunately this wasn't to be the beginning of a glorious road cycling career, like I ambitiously thought it would be.

The Repco lived on for a few more years after that, being used as a commuter bike, but was eventually superseeded by a Giant Talon Mountain Bike. Yep, I have gone back and forth between road bikes and mountain bikes about as many times as Lance has won TDF's. I bought the Giant to compete in an adventure race and this renewed my love affair with single track that continues strongly today. I am at peace hurtling through the bush, dodging trees, maneuvering through burns, and jumping gaps. There is nothing quite like it.

I currently have a bike courier inspired SE fixie that serves well as a commuter, it's fast and strong, and requires very little maintenance. And my current weapon of choice for attacking Beach Road and competing in the occasional road race or charity ride is a Fuji road bike.

So that's my story. I can't really say that I'm a commuter, or a mountain biker, or a road cyclist or a hipster on a fixie - I guess I'm a little bit of all of those things. I just really like cycling, in any and all forms. Cycling is more relevant today than it's ever been - it's experiencing a resurgence as an alternative transportation mode and more people are riding now than ever, I can tell, new bike stores are opening in Melbourne almost weekly.

This blog is a commentary on the world of cycling. Cycling trends come and go as often as I get punctures on my commute to work, and as a sport there is never a dull moment. The UCI Pro Tour plays out year after year with as much drama as an episode of Neighbours, and the dominance of the Aussies in the off-road world is awesome. As cyclists we are a pretty strange and eclectic bunch. From the hardcore roadies, to the Brunswick hipsters. From the mental downhill bikers in the You Yangs to the chic commuters riding their beautiful retro cruisers. I intend to write about it all - but only when I'm not on my bike.